Okay so lets move to another province

“The company feels that there are great growth opportunities for it in the Cape” says hubby whilst we are sitting on the stoep of our chalet in Sondela Lodge about 9 months ago.  “They want me to go and start up the business from scratch and then be the boss of it”.

I look at him.  “Permanently?”, I ask.  Because surely that is not what he means.  Already all the implications of that have run through my mind at the speed of light.

“That is the idea - it is a fantastic opportunity and you know how I love the Cape”, says aforementioned husband.

Yes, I think.  I also love the Cape and every time I used to visit Jess here before she came back to Pretoria, I would, I admit, think how lovely it would be to live here.  But that does not mean that I thought about it so seriously that I was going to up and move my 53 year life from Pretoria to the Cape.

I burst into tears.  “That is exactly the reaction I told my boss I was going to get”, says he.

I immediately say the obvious things - what about our home / the kids / my parents / my job / our church / the dogs / my hairdresser - nail salon - dentist - doctor - vet / all the places I know / a city I grew up in / my friends / my best friend .... the list was endless.  A whole shopping basket.

He tried to set it out in a positive manner.  The office would be at the Waterfront in a beautiful vdevelopment under construction.  I could look for a place in the Southern Suburbs.  The dogs would obviously come with.  Think how often my parents could come and visit.  And my friends.  And my best friend.  New hairdressers etc can be found.  There is so much for you to do in Cape Town .... he really tried.  In hindsight it must have been awful for him.  He was so excited and here I am just collapsing in a heap at the prospect.  He must have felt there was a huge struggle lying ahead.  As the months ticked by, it became more and more of a reality, but my joy was very very slow in appearing.

He had to go back to work in Jhb the next day and I stayed at Sondela with Nic and a friend for the next 4 days.  I was miserable.  All I could think of was moving to a place where I knew no-one except my best friends’s best friend (yes that was weird I know) . Hubby would go to work every day with colleagues and I would just be alone.

I came home and we never spoke of it again.  Perhaps if I ignored it, it would go away.   As the development got closer and closer to completion, hubby was travelling  up and down to CT all the time, pursuing business and looking at the progress with his boss.  The date kept moving .... first Jan, then March and then July and boom ..... suddenly a fantastic offer came up for furnished offices in Stellenbosch, the lease was signed and 1 April became the day.  He told me that he was not going to drive and sit in the traffic forever from the Southern Suburbs as he had already spent a lifetime sitting in the traffic to Jhb for 2 hours morning and night.  He loved Gordons Bay.

In the middle of March hubby and I flew down to Gordons Bay to look at houses.  We spent 2 days in Cape Town while he worked and I meandered everywhere.  We got to Gordons Bay.  All I could think of was seaside village.  Somewhat like Umdloti.   But this sea, this sea is unlike anything I have seen except in Mauritius.  Still, flat and on sunny days, as turquoise and navy swirled as you can imagine.  But it was a seaside village.  The main street along the beach had a book shop, coffee shop, all sorts of everything shop, an icecream shop, a vintage shop, an incredible fish take out shop, a hairdresser,  a few little eateries and a shop of gemstones, reiki and other stuff.  Oh and a vape shop.  That is all the walking distance stuff.  By car you will find a short distance away 3 brands of supermarkets, a Woolies Foodmarket, Clicks, Pep, SpecSavers, the usual takeaways and one or two more.  No big retailers, no movies, no other shops, no branded shops, no big clothes shops, no Mr Price - for that you have to drive to Somerset West ..... about 20ish minutes away where there is a big mall with every shop you could want in it and surrounded by the other upmarket stores and shopping centres .  My great love however was that I had googled GB and found that they had a 2nd hand book store.  This book store is more like a book hypermarket in an old house by the beach ..... it is mind blowing the amount of stock.

I clearly remember sitting at the little coffee place on the beach, tears running down my face and telling hubby “I will never fit in here” ... I am not used to living where there actually is nothing and maybe I am too loud for Gordons Bay.

How God must have laughed as he looked down at me, thinking my child if only you knew.  Do not worry about tomorrow - I am already there and I know the plans I have for you.

In between hearing that we need to move, and March, two major things happened.  I finished off at my job at the end of December, so that meant I did not have the trauma of having to leave my job to move.

Later on, a lot of stuff happened and my best friend and I parted ways.  It did not matter whether I was moving or not.  I was shattered.  And I miss that friendship all the time.  I like to think that person misses the friendship as well.

So the end of March rolled around.  Him, Nic and I packed up everything he needed to take and set off on a road trip to GB.  We slept over at Colesberg and Nic got to see an entire side of our beautiful country that he had never seen before.  Eug had by a stroke of luck found out that the owner of the guesthouse we stayed in in March, was not only an estate agent, but also had a beautiful place 100m from the beach, which she agreed to rent to Eug for 5 months.  Jess flew down when we got here and we spent the 4 days getting groceries and unpacking and sorting Eug.  We walked on the beach morning and night,  I made my mandatory visit to the book shop and us 3 returned home with a serious collection of books.  Suddenly it seemed a bit more homely.  I was at the coffee shop everyday.  We bought incense and gem necklaces at the beach shop ... we explored the neighbour hood.  Suddenly I found my heart turning.  It was everything that my childhood city was not.  Quiet.  Absolutely beautiful sunrises and sunsets on the water.  This little area on the beach road is where everyone hangs out and it was creeping into my heart. The thought of walking our dogs on the beach. The sense of community.  The cleanest place I have seen.  The lack of insane taxis.

We went home.  For Easter hubby came home for 2 days.  Then at the end of April Nic went to him for 10 days.  I have been here for the past week.  And just like this, I now call 2 places home.  Here and Pretoria.  I have explored and know everything around here.  The coffee shop people all know me by name.  When I come here they remember me.  The bookstore staff recognise me.  I also always come home with piles of books and when I go to GB I take piles of books for them.

I have already located a new nail and massage and everything else place - Gordons Bay Wellness - I went there today and was astounded to find that her life was so much like mine ... her husband came to work in the Cape.  He relocated from Gauteng alone and they followed afterwards, just like us.  Even more bizarre was that she not only grew up in the suburb we stay in in Pretoria but in the same street, just a block away.  Sometimes you just click with someone.  They laugh like you, they chat like you.  Somewhere in my heart I think that this is going to grow into a lovely friendship.  She has also told me where I should cut my hair.  Good sign. From her I also learnt where hubby can go and renew his licence disk and get a CEY number plate.

So now?  Now I am sad to leave tonight .... to leave my hubby and to leave GB.  I have a renewed sense of urgency to pack up 23 years of stuff in our house and get the damn painting finished.  It has to be put on the market because I cannot move until it is sold.

“The company feels that there are great growth opportunities for it in the Cape” says hubby whilst we are sitting on the stoep of our chalet in Sondela Lodge about 9 months ago.  “They want me to go and start up the business from scratch and then be the boss of it”.

“Oh what an exciting and wonderful new adventure for us”.  That is what I should have said.

Be good to yourselves.

c’est  la vie xxxxx

Tentacles of anxiety

Anxiety

Anxiety attacks

Panic

Panic attacks

We read about them. We see programmes in which people suffer from it. In all probability you have a friend / family member who suffers from it. In all probability you have a friend / family member who suffers from it and you are not aware of that. In some cases you may have a friend / family member who suffers from it and you think they are overreacting / over dramatizing / looking for attention / pretending or as one former ”friend” of mine told me - you bring it on yourself. Clearly a fool.

If you have not felt the physical effects of a pending attack, if you have not suffered the horrendous feeling when the attack grabs you and if you have no interest or sympathy in this growing phenomenon in society, then this would be a good place for you to stop reading.

I suffered from panic attacks as far back as 30 years ago. It never had a name, it was never diagnosed - it was a dark hole that gripped me without warning on a regular basis and it created a part of me that lingers. I had to deal with it and where it originated from, on my own. It went away for 8 years and then in my 30’s it crept back, but sporadically. Then about 9 years ago it crept up again. And went away. And then 5 years ago it slunk quietly closer and closer. It is a slithery silent creature. It festers and grows on the overstressed, despair and feeling of being lost people. It does not set up a large warning signal ... it comes slowly and leaves you knowing gradually that it is pending. For me it arrives when I am in a traumatic or very stressed period. The unexpected shortness of breath, walls closing in, too big or under reaction to everything until one day in the middle of anywhere, it grabs you, usually sending people around you into a panic as they try to assist you, if it happens in a public space and you are alone.

Then followed many many years of me escaping from its claws - I was the winner, but I knew that it was there, quietly hidden wanting to see if I could beat it for good. Meds? Yes. Daily, taken with others for other reasons. The additional ones I only take when I know that I am in trouble. Medical research has found that taking these is like putting up a hand and holding the attack at bay.

Who do we share this and other issues with? Be careful. Most people are quick to play MD and diagnose you as a loony, a mental case or simply crazy. Foolish labels from foolish people. Last year I decided to share very openly with someone the real name of this disorder. Funny thing is that if you have cancer, you get sympathy and support and love. Same for any other disease. But you see, this one is officially recognized as well. Officially supported by medical aids to the extent that they are forced to cover it, so it is the same. Lifelong. Can it kill you? It could. Depending on when you eventually feel your back is against the wall. Back to the person I told. I trusted them and it took very long for me to tell this friend. And in return they very quickly used it as a weapon against me. Shared it with others. Used it as ammo. The fallout was quick. I then decided that I would write this. I am not alone. I am one of millions in the world who battle with this. Two years ago my parish hosted a talk by someone on this issue - everyone sat and nodded their heads about how awful this must be. I stood up and addressed the stigma in the Q&A session. Some people were supportive. One felt it was attention seeking. I have realised that by focusing on me, this person is avoiding dealing with his/her (to protect them) serious addictions. Mine is a disease. This persons’ is a repetitive choice.

In the last months I have had to work through something which flung me brutally against the wall. It broke me, then caused havoc in my health and then slowly, with the help of many reasonable people I dragged myself up to a place where I felt I had my footing back. Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we are partly to blame, but no matter what there are very very seldom situations where one side is 100% to blame. But very often someone is the “fall guy”. I learnt many lessons about loyalty. Get a dog. And please, before some of you get hysterical, don’t erroneously decide you know what I am talking about and wind up the rumour mill. Just get on with your own sometimes flawed lives.

So months of stress and issues were then escalated when we became a commuting family. My hubby 1543 km away working in a fantastic new position thanks to the company he works for. A blessing. A challenge in leaving Pta after 53 years but the grace of living in this little seaside town, peaceful and away from the city, and only 25 mins from Stellenbosch where the new offices are. That and the beauty of me and Jess (Nic is leaving to study in July) or perhaps even just me, having packed up, sold the house and got here permanently by year end. Nic and I visit as often as possible ... down at the seaside. Jess is in the restaurant trade .... that is more difficult to get away from. She is happy in her job but she, like us, misses hubby/dad awfully. We all came down end of March together to move him into his new temporary home and I am now on my 3rd visit here. It really is like my 2nd home. I have people that recognize me - in the book and coffee shop naturally - I know where everything is and he lives 100m from the beach which is fantastic. Literally everyone knows everyone else when you come to the regular hang out coffee place by the beach.

I came down because hubby had a birthday yesterday and because I needed a break from being without him at home. I was anxious. It had been winding itself around me gradually. And then it swooped, sensing my vulnerability. Panic hit me yesterday ... publically ... in the book shop. A lady came over. I managed to write down on a cash slip what was happening. I needed a paper bag. She went to the coffee shop to get one. I sat on a bench. She did not know what to do so she ran to buy tea. It passed. It left me breathless. I have for two days taken my additional meds that my absolute incredible darling specialist sent me a script for. The crisis I was dealing with for last week has been solved. I breathe. I tell the bands of anxiety wound around me to piss off. I breathe more. I have 5 days left here. My hubby is going to fetch me now after work and we are going to walk on the beach below where he lives. I will put my toes in the water. I will thank God that he is always holding my hand. I will remind myself not to worry about tomorrow, because He is already there. I cling to my Faith always.

I thank the friends and family who do not nag or question me. They just understand.

I bid farewell to those who don’t. They add to the problem.

My hubby, son and daughter are my permanent life jackets.

And I remember that tomorrow is a brand new day.

Be good to yourselves.

c’est la vie Xxx