Tuesday 21 May 2019

Tentacles of anxiety

Anxiety
Anxiety attacks
Panic
Panic attacks
We read about them. We see programmes in which people suffer from it. In all probability you have a friend / family member who suffers from it. In all probability you have a friend / family member who suffers from it and you are not aware of that. In some cases you may have a friend / family member who suffers from it and you think they are overreacting / over dramatizing / looking for attention / pretending or as one former ”friend” of mine told me - you bring it on yourself. Clearly a fool.
If you have not felt the physical effects of a pending attack, if you have not suffered the horrendous feeling when the attack grabs you and if you have no interest or sympathy in this growing phenomenon in society, then this would be a good place for you to stop reading.
I suffered from panic attacks as far back as 30 years ago. It never had a name, it was never diagnosed - it was a dark hole that gripped me without warning on a regular basis and it created a part of me that lingers. I had to deal with it and where it originated from, on my own. It went away for 8 years and then in my 30’s it crept back, but sporadically. Then about 9 years ago it crept up again. And went away. And then 5 years ago it slunk quietly closer and closer. It is a slithery silent creature. It festers and grows on the overstressed, despair and feeling of being lost people. It does not set up a large warning signal ... it comes slowly and leaves you knowing gradually that it is pending. For me it arrives when I am in a traumatic or very stressed period. The unexpected shortness of breath, walls closing in, too big or under reaction to everything until one day in the middle of anywhere, it grabs you, usually sending people around you into a panic as they try to assist you, if it happens in a public space and you are alone.
Then followed many many years of me escaping from its claws - I was the winner, but I knew that it was there, quietly hidden wanting to see if I could beat it for good. Meds? Yes. Daily, taken with others for other reasons. The additional ones I only take when I know that I am in trouble. Medical research has found that taking these is like putting up a hand and holding the attack at bay.
Who do we share this and other issues with? Be careful. Most people are quick to play MD and diagnose you as a loony, a mental case or simply crazy. Foolish labels from foolish people. Last year I decided to share very openly with someone the real name of this disorder. Funny thing is that if you have cancer, you get sympathy and support and love. Same for any other disease. But you see, this one is officially recognized as well. Officially supported by medical aids to the extent that they are forced to cover it, so it is the same. Lifelong. Can it kill you? It could. Depending on when you eventually feel your back is against the wall. Back to the person I told. I trusted them and it took very long for me to tell this friend. And in return they very quickly used it as a weapon against me. Shared it with others. Used it as ammo. The fallout was quick. I then decided that I would write this. I am not alone. I am one of millions in the world who battle with this. Two years ago my parish hosted a talk by someone on this issue - everyone sat and nodded their heads about how awful this must be. I stood up and addressed the stigma in the Q&A session. Some people were supportive. One felt it was attention seeking. I have realised that by focusing on me, this person is avoiding dealing with his/her (to protect them) serious addictions. Mine is a disease. This persons’ is a repetitive choice.
In the last months I have had to work through something which flung me brutally against the wall. It broke me, then caused havoc in my health and then slowly, with the help of many reasonable people I dragged myself up to a place where I felt I had my footing back. Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we are partly to blame, but no matter what there are very very seldom situations where one side is 100% to blame. But very often someone is the “fall guy”. I learnt many lessons about loyalty. Get a dog. And please, before some of you get hysterical, don’t erroneously decide you know what I am talking about and wind up the rumour mill. Just get on with your own sometimes flawed lives.
So months of stress and issues were then escalated when we became a commuting family. My hubby 1543 km away working in a fantastic new position thanks to the company he works for. A blessing. A challenge in leaving Pta after 53 years but the grace of living in this little seaside town, peaceful and away from the city, and only 25 mins from Stellenbosch where the new offices are. That and the beauty of me and Jess (Nic is leaving to study in July) or perhaps even just me, having packed up, sold the house and got here permanently by year end. Nic and I visit as often as possible ... down at the seaside. Jess is in the restaurant trade .... that is more difficult to get away from. She is happy in her job but she, like us, misses hubby/dad awfully. We all came down end of March together to move him into his new temporary home and I am now on my 3rd visit here. It really is like my 2nd home. I have people that recognize me - in the book and coffee shop naturally - I know where everything is and he lives 100m from the beach which is fantastic. Literally everyone knows everyone else when you come to the regular hang out coffee place by the beach.
I came down because hubby had a birthday yesterday and because I needed a break from being without him at home. I was anxious. It had been winding itself around me gradually. And then it swooped, sensing my vulnerability. Panic hit me yesterday ... publically ... in the book shop. A lady came over. I managed to write down on a cash slip what was happening. I needed a paper bag. She went to the coffee shop to get one. I sat on a bench. She did not know what to do so she ran to buy tea. It passed. It left me breathless. I have for two days taken my additional meds that my absolute incredible darling specialist sent me a script for. The crisis I was dealing with for last week has been solved. I breathe. I tell the bands of anxiety wound around me to piss off. I breathe more. I have 5 days left here. My hubby is going to fetch me now after work and we are going to walk on the beach below where he lives. I will put my toes in the water. I will thank God that he is always holding my hand. I will remind myself not to worry about tomorrow, because He is already there. I cling to my Faith always.
I thank the friends and family who do not nag or question me. They just understand.
I bid farewell to those who don’t. They add to the problem.
My hubby, son and daughter are my permanent life jackets.
And I remember that tomorrow is a brand new day.
Be good to yourselves.
c’est la vie Xxx

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