casting your nets. asking for help. that man in the arena

Casting nets on the other side of the boat was the Gospel today during Mass.  

It gave me food for thought whilst driving home.  How often do we do that?  Or do we tend to fish on the one side of our boat day in and day out and eventually in total despair just toss the net back into the boat.  Now I have, through trial and error, happy and bad times, by hook or by crook and such, become over the past couple of years a master of casting the net both sides of our boat.  Hell, I even cast in front and back sometimes and if necessary I will even swim under the boat dragging it. 

They say "necessity is the mother of invention".  Well Amen to that.  Whilst discussing it online with someone this afternoon she commented "but you do not know how hard it can be" .... no my dear, I do.  Trust me we have the PhD, MBA, and every other letter in this. Re-casting is what my speciality is.  I am not addressing this to people who tell me they are battling because they now eat out 3 and not 5 times a month ... or cannot have weekly take-aways, or have to give up a coffee date, or scale down their car, or buy less at Woolworths ... I am talking to people who are battling to put food on the table, fuel in their cars and clothes on their backs.  For whom the little decisions are the huge and scary daily decisions.  


So for the many that I currently know, that are battling, mostly with finances, in a time when so many are reeling from the cost of living, getting retrenched, having to close their businesses, finding themselves so lost, so desperate, so overwhelmed, let me lead you as follows, and if you know me, you will know that I speak from experience.  I will place at the end my favourite verse "The Man in the Arena" ... I have been that man, we have been that man, so yes, I am qualified to speak on this subject. 

1.  Ask.  Someone.  Anyone.  You have to learn to ask.  For help.  For a shoulder. For food.  For assistance.  Ask.  Yes you have to stick your pride in your pocket.  Churches have Outreach programmes, these are able to assist you.  Peruse the web for places that help.  Speak to your priest, speak to your friends, speak to your colleagues, speak to your family, speak to a counsellor (and you can do so at Lifeline, confidentially and at no cost whatsoever), but talk to someone. Sometime, somewhere, someone will hear you.  If not, keep asking. I did the Counselling course at Lifeline ... several hours a week for 13 weeks ... intense ... but has given me a skill no-one can ever take away.  To listen.  To understand. 
2.  Do not drive anywhere, and I mean anywhere that you can walk.  Trust me .... if you walk 2km here and 1km there it adds up ... fuel kept in your tank.  No short trips, no unplanned trips.  Know exactly in the morning what your route will be .... school, work, whatever ... plan in the stop for bread .... plan in the random stops ..... no extra stops. 
All of the out of the way stuff must be lumped into one day.  Sometimes it comes down to the wire with fuel.  
3.  You may have to stop handing out car guard money at every stop.  This is hard I know - you can feel really dreadful.  But there comes a stage when it is family first.  It may only be R3 a day that you save, if you make stops daily, but over a month - R90 buys bread and milk my friends. 
4.  Give up the extras - DSTV for starters.  You will survive.  Maybe you have to have it off for a month.  They credit you when you have it put off by them.  Yes it is awful if you are a huge fan.  Find a friend, or two, who won't mind you popping in to watch sport by them, or would not mind you coming over once a week to catch up on your series.  Again refer to #1 - ask.  It may give you the R750 back into your budget.  If there is no choice, switch if off for 6 months.  You can put it on anytime.  Is it hard? Yes.  And you may need to look at old fashioned ways of entertainment - trust me it is possible to play Cluedo 16 times a month. 
5.  Kids first.  In everything.  Food, clothing and all other needs.  Kids first.  Spend the money on the crucials across all family members, but for all other critical things kids first. First to eat, first to be taken care of.  And I am not talking about working salary earning kids.  I mean dependants. 
6.  Work out if there is something you can do to bring in a little extra.  Can you sew?  Offer around school to do simple sewing repairs for friends.  Do you do calligraphy?  Paint? Make costumes well .... repair stuff like toasters, read aloud well .... whatever ... advertise for free over and over in the Junk Mail .... you will be amazed what people are happy to pay for to take it off their plate. 
7.  Have a yard sale, or a boot sale, whatever you want to call it.  Go room to room ... get rid of that lampshade you got in 1999 that you know you are never going to use again. That top you are going to wear when you lose 10kg.  Now is your chance ... you will be amazed how much stuff you can amass over time. Advertise .... a good way is to stick up a note at your local supermarket board for notices. And if you are nervous about security ... find a spot .... where there are people ... like an open shopping centre car park in your neighbourhood ... and I am not talking about Menlyn or such obviously, people walking past buy.  And it is not "selling your stuff" it is getting rid of clutter.  
8.  Need something urgently that cannot wait?  Look online.  2nd hand is not necessarily rubbish.  Clothes, sports equipment etc etc .... it is there.  OLX and Gumtree are good places to start. 
9.  If you are a believer, then pray.  Again and again and again.  To whoever it is that you follow and believe in.  I am Catholic, and I sometimes think that God must have rolled his eyes and thought here she is again!!! But as hard as it is .... All in His time.  Every time. 

I can go on forever.  If you have a question, a fear, a desperation - I am going to do something unusual and offer my email address.  I did it once before last year and was inundated with mails.  I cannot offer money, or jobs or any such.  But what I can offer is a list of places you can turn to, many many suggestions ... hundreds in fact on survival ... so contact me on karinhuman690@gmail.com - we are not bound by where we live in the world ... we are bound by the fact that we are humans. 

Wishing you love ... and patience....... and a calming of desperation. 

till soon 
c'est la vie 

Once upon a book

When last did you visit a book exchange?  When I was in high school and studying afterwards, this was quite the rage.  We did not go to high priced bookstores that exist today, nor were there really any.  CNA was the stationer and not really a book store, having the selection it has now.  You bought new books through Leisure Books or found them at smaller stores. However libraries were what people did.  We took out a pile of books and returned or renewed them two weeks later.  Every suburb had a library.  With a vast range of books.  However as I grew older, renewing on time became a problem for me.  I think that every library that still exists has a photo of me on their system "do not give her books" - simply because I lost two and refused to pay the R375 per book they wanted for a book that was for sale elsewhere for R100.  The rest was for capturing the book on the system, tagging it and what not else.  I would have helped them with that for free.  And two books in 21 years was hardly a bad average.  Books were probably also not the premium they cost now.  I can remember book exchanges - they were always small. And crammed.  And they smelt of books.  Well read, often handled, books.  That semi-musty, semi-dusty smell.  They always seemed to have very small aisles and very helpful assistants and worked everywhere on the "bring books in and swop for other books and pay a small amount"  The more you brought and the less you took - you could almost walk out without parting with money.  

I read hundreds of books that way.  For a while in a previous job I had an Apple IPad and read a couple of books on here.  It is not for me.  Convenient but just not the same.  I like the real life look and feel and smell of books, both new and previously loved ones.  I love a new book of which you gently open the spine (my dad worked in a busy book store for many years as a teenager and learnt the art of "opening" new books) - I have spent the last 20 years opening every book in this house from novels to school books and varsity books this way.  

The upper end bookstores today sell mainstream novels of popular authors for R260 to R380.  It is crazy and perhaps better prices would encourage more people to read.  So you need to shop wisely .... Exclusive Books has an annual book sale - visit it more than once over the 2 week period.  They keep topping up and prices keep getting better.  I picked up 2 great new titles for R40 each.  Then there are branches of Bargain Books, unfortunately too few of them.  They have a good mix of new titles at good prices.  The Centurion store is by far the best. 

Then there are book "exchanges" who today work more on a sales method where a popular title will cost you about R60.  Or a book club which is more about wine than books but at least you get to pay for one book and read five or six.  

There is also OLX, Bid or Buy and other such sites.  Keep your eyes on these for good deals.  

Look around - there is much to be read.  Just sniff out the bargains. 

Till soon 
c'est la vie xxx

Simply Being

So life has been craziness itself.  Work has been its usual merry go round of busy busy and no two days the same.  Being a wife is always fun - especially when you are married to someone as witty as my husband .... being a mom is always interesting - particularly when you are mom to a 17 year old who plays tons of sport and is always busy ... and also has the wit of his father .... just much drier ... and then my not so baby girl ... ok at 21 not baby girl at all, who keeps us up to date every day with her cheflife in CT.  Life is busy. 

So now when our son went off to stay with my sister for almost 5 days when the school hols started, then returned for one day to check on my hubby and I and of course get laundry done and then went off to the coast with a schoolfriend and his family for Easter, time was suddenly available.  In abundance.  Laundry was minimal, dishes were minimal, driving was minimal.  It co-incided with the plethera of Easter public holidays, so besides going off to church every day of that weekend, we had nothing to do the rest of the time.  My body said WTH? 

So armed with ShowMax, Netflix and a very thick paperback, I became one with the couch. A lot.  It usually started with me reading and then quickly morphed into dozing.  I cannot remember when last I slept as much as I have over the past 6 days.  Mid-morning and mid-afternoon ... early evening ... you name it ...... 3 or 4 hours at a time.  Without watching the clock constantly.  On day 5 I started getting concerned about this laziness and when I told a friend that I appeared to be sleeping my life away, he simply commented "Good" each time. 

Hubby and I went to the movies, we did our favourite thing (browsing for ever in Exclusive Books), had coffee and decided to make salad for dinner - simple and quick.  

I took 2 days leave from work and find myself now sitting in a coffee shop blogging. My job means that I am called on my cellphone - all day every day.  So posting a voicemail that I am not available was quite a moment for me. 

Sometimes we need to do this - switch off.  Our minds.  Our TV.  Our worries.  Our tiredness. 

Sometimes we simply need to be. 

till soon 
c'est la vie xxx 

the fantastic fabulousness of being fifty

Some people arrive at the number five zero and go into some sort of panic spiral about being more than halfway through their lives, having to only look back now and no more forward. They panic about every little line, every kg, every everything.  Some tell me they are now on the back 9 of their lives ....... jeez, where was I when all this paranoia set in? 

January 27th heralded my 50th birthday ...... I don't like it ...... I love it!!!! 

Fifty years old and: 

• I really could not care if people like my haircut, haircolour, style of dressing, bling jewellery and love of all things bright
• I will be as boisterous as ever, if not more so, because I see no sense in going through life muttering and apologising
• I will not make excuses for who I am and what I do and do not like
• I will continue to drink as much cappuccino as I can, watch as much ShowMax as possible, follow Borgias to the very last episode, watch Isidingo as I have for the last decade, eat chocolate and mangos. 
• I will get too little sleep, laugh too loudly, love too much and probably get hurt in the process.  Yet I will not stop. 
• I will believe in myself, dream much and live life with as much glitter as possible
• I will not tolerate anyone who does not trust me or stand up for me when needed.  If you do not know me by now .... well then you never will 
• I will blog, note, write and follow that path.  If you are lucky enough to receive a letter from me .... treasure it .... because if you shrug it off in silence it will never be your blessing to receive another one
• I will love my kids and hubby until the end of the world.  I will hold dear and close to me the friends and family who would fight for me till the end of the world.  Because I will for them. 
• I will wear lots of lipgloss, a big smile, a crazy laugh and a handbag with more stuff than most people use in a lifetime. 

I will be bright.  And colourful.  I will be 50.  I will be me. 

till soon 

c'est la vie xxx

trust .... anger ...... and yes that damn pausing

This thing of Pausing can be a bloody irritating habit sometimes.  But halfway through Lent and I am still at it.  It was suggested to me by a friend that sometimes I pause too long, but as long as I am working at it and since I have made great strides, I am very proud of myself.

This pause theory often makes for a situation where my poor hubby .... he of great wisdom and much patience ... has to listen to me verbalising the thing that I am pausing about.  He is awesome at listening or at times when needed being either the voice of reason or an ardent supporter of my issue.

Tonight the poor man simply asked .... "hey what's up" as he saw me frown as I wrote an email.    BOOM .... out came the pause issue ..... in a sixty sentence eruption from me .... tumbling out as he watched my frustration.  Tonight he chose to listen to me ... and offered only two words of wisdom.

I drove to Adoration and entered the chapel greeting the Lord with great love for our coffee hour together in the late night hours.  And then I sat and told him the story.  

And I know that my heart can be still.  My head can be still.  In HIM I place my trust.  As he does in me.  He knows me.  And he is proud of me.

I have paused.  The anger that has raged inside me is still there . .but it is calming.  HE knows me.

Till soon
c'est la vie xxx

my fountain. the water. God. prayer. i close my eyes.

I am amazed at what joy the fountain outside my office door is giving me.

A round pond with three layers perched atop of it and a gurgling spout of water coming out the top. That fountain has become a complete part of my day.  At first when it arrived I heard nothing else but that water falling from level to level.  Now it has become like a "white noise" - I hear it all the time and it is like breathing.  But when it stops for a second that is when I notice it immediately.  But I always get it going straight away again.

I can stare at it unendingly and every time I find myself having to pause, or tired or irritated beyond hell or sad or whatever ...... then I just stare at it. Even when I am having a joyous day.  That fountain is my happy space.  I have been known to splash water from level to level and love teasing the dog with the spray from the borehole hosepipe when we fill it.

Suddenly that fountain has started to remind me of my relationship with God.  I gave this a lot of thought during my Adoration hour on Monday evening when it suddenly struck me.  God is like that. A constant.  Like that water he is always there, you know that, and you become accustomed to it, so that if ever you have a moments' doubt that God is not there, or has forgotten you ..... you are instantly aware of it.  But just like that water, if you look, he is there - perhaps you just needed to look a bit closer.  Or kick start your relationship.  A bit like when the mains board trips, switching off the fountain pump ,... you just need to click the switch.  

I keep my connection with the fountain by ensuring that the water is topped up all the time.  In just that same way I have to keep my connection with God by ensuring that I visit his home every weekend or in the week and that I "keep our water supply going" with prayer.  Regularly.  When I need to pause, or am tired or irritated beyond hell or sad or whatever ..... Even when I am having a joyous day.  This relationship and prayer is my happy space.

So when I look up at the fountain as I often do ..... I can almost hear God whispering in my ear ..... "I made that water".

How blessed am I.

Till soon
c'est la vie xxx

Learn to Pause. Else nothing worthwhile will catch up to you. A silent retreat.

Sediba Retreat Centre.  Silence.  A retreat in silence.  A time when you, by choice, spend the better part of a Sunday listening.  Hearing.  Feeling.  Discovering.  Praying.  With silence in your head.  And heart.  I write this during our lunch pause. 

The less than 45 minute drive from Pretoria to the Dam is easy to make.  Once up the hill in Meerhof, on a winding road surrounded by bush, you find the Centre, overlooking the beautiful dam.  During the initial 20 minute meet up and coffee session you get to say hello, make new friends, eat the scones (with a story attached) and get a feel of what lies ahead. 

The morning has 4 silent sessions of 25 minutes each.  The meditation room reminded me of those seen in a movie ... slightly elevated off the ground - wooden floor, natural lighting only, plenty of big slatted doors fully opened to allow in the sound of nature, candles, the beautiful view and the heat.  There are cushions, blankets and little neat yoga type mattresses available in abundance. You find your space somewhere around the room against the wall and settle yourself down with whatever you need.

Three gentle gongs are sounded - the first to settle yourself, the second to feel fully present and the third to start the 25 session.  After each session the gong sounds again and you walk around the room very very slowly in a circle (I battled with the slowly part) to stretch your legs and refocus your mind. You can also dash out if you have an overactive bladder.  

You can take books in, water, rosaries, verses, anything that will make your time meaningful.  Or you can just sit - without any external stimulation.

The sessions are interesting, especially to notice what happens to both your mind and your body when you have no outside distractions.  No phones, TV, novels, family, traffic.  Just you.  As a "first-timer" who is known to be lively and talkative, I was apprehensive about how I would manage, I was also apprehensive about what I would find inside myself in those quiet periods. 

The first session was the hardest.  I found myself staring at the water 90 % of the time and staring at the other people the other 10 %. The nun opposite me sat as if cast in stone for every single session.  I admire the ability to do that.  My mind raced.  All over.  Simply because in my daily life as a wife, mother, secretary it has to.  I have a teenage son at home, the school run, sport, a very busy job and boss to keep up with, my friends and family, the Repository and of course the coffee shops.  I found my thoughts consumed by my job and the people related to it.  Many questions were flying. 

For the second session I chose to lie down.  With my head on the cushion and the great quiet I started slowing my mind and had dozed off by the end.  Thank heavens for the gong. 

The third session I used for reading.  I had written a prayer for someone who I think needs it for a variety of reasons and I used the session to read and reread that prayer for them.  I hope they felt that prayer and that it meant something in their busy life.   I also concentrated on my breathing. 

The fourth session I took to alternating staring at the water and reading.  For me to dedicate my attention to one thing at a time as opposed to reading and my phone, reading and watching TV ... that was a challenge.  I admit to feeling fidgety. 

After that we strolled down the hill to another Retreat Centre and joined them for Sunday Mass.  The Priest was very different to our own and it took adjusting, however he delivered a brilliant Homily about pausing long enough to listen.  In silence.  It rained.  Beautiful moment.   Lunch is then taken in silence .... scattered all over and I write this as I eat. 

Three more sessions follow ...... I know that it will get a little easier now.  But to still and focus my thoughts will take practice according to the lovely and kind people from our parish that I went with. They gave me tips on focusing my mind and on how to deal with the racing around of thoughts that the stillness brought. 

Will I go again?  Most certainly.  Sometimes God leads us to something just when we need it most. Since I battle to pause in my everyday life, He probably decided that I needed a more than gentle nudge to find that Pause.  In silence.  I am still dealing with two issues around my car accident and in addition I am struggling to find my place in two friendships where I so desperately want to be cherished and needed. And more so to know it.  

I hope that some of my parishioner friends will consider joining me next time.  All it costs is the lunch you take along.  And one day a month. 

Be loved
Till soon
c'est la vie  xxx

Title quote Learn to Pause.  Else nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.  Courtesy of Doug King.