Adult bullies

You may not hear a lot about adult bullying, but it is a problem. I personally battle to stand up to these people.  I fall back time and time again into the position of the bullied. Feeling that I need to be quieter, laugh more demurely, be more subdued or as someone hinted at "act my age now that I am 51".  I am always stunned when people in very fragile glass houses throw stones at others about behaviour. 

One would think that as people mature and progress through life, that they would stop behaviors of their youth. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sadly, adults can be bullies, just as children and teenagers can be bullies. While adults are more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical bullying, the fact of the matter is that adult bullying exists. The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person, and make himself or herself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims, and “show them who is boss.”

There are several different types of adult bullies, and it helps to know how they operate:

1. Narcissistic Adult Bully: This type of adult bully is self-centered. He or she seems to feel good about him or herself, but in reality has a brittle narcissism that requires putting others down, criticizing their personality traits and always ensuring they are wrong in every situation of confrontation.
2. Impulsive Adult Bully: Adult bullies in this category are more spontaneous and plan their bullying out less. Even if consequences are likely, this adult bully has a hard time restraining his or her behavior. In some cases, this type of bullying may be unintentional, resulting in periods of stress, or when the bully is actually upset or concerned about something unconnected with the victim.
3. Verbal Adult Bully: Words can be quite damaging. Adult bullies who use this type of tactic may start rumors about the victim, or use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This subtle type of bullying also has the advantage – to the bully – of being difficult to document. However, the emotional and psychological impacts of verbal bullying can be felt quite keenly and can result in reduced job performance and even depression.

Adult bullies were often either bullies as children, or bullied as children. Understanding this about them may be able to help you cope with the behavior. 

Stand up.  You have a right to be you.  

till soon 
c'est la vie xxxx

Article sourced from: www.bullyingstatistics.org 

Praying out loud in public and other questionable things

So on Saturday I joined a public Rosary rally in the park at Magnolia Dell.  Yes we took along our Rosaries and our hymns and prayers and everything else the coordinator had mailed us.  Yes us Catholics - we stood in a circle which drew attention.  Yes we sang - out loud and prayed - out loud (long prayers and short ones) and yes we prayed the Rosary - out loud. 

Yes we attracted stares - some of interest, some of confusion, some of mirth.  Some glanced our way, read our banner and carried on about their business.  Some stopped to hear what we were doing, some snickered, some stared openly.  Some smiled and seemed encouraged.  

It is a funny thing public displays of Faith.  We can go to a park, wearing the shirt of the sports team we support, kick around a ball and shout sporting terms.  We can go to a park and put up a display of art and other wares and encourage others to stop and look.  We can let people ride through the park loudly ringing bells and encouraging people to buy ice-cream.  We can lie on the lawn and play our choice of music loudly.  But have a public display of Faith?  Pray?  Out loud?  Ai Wena - what is that thing you are doing?

Many times during illness, strife, family problems etc we rush to pray......I am pretty sure that many of the sport playing, art selling, icecream eating, music listening people rush to their Faith and prayer when things go wrong.  You see - we rush to it now - yes things are going wrong - but we would have prayed the Rosary in public even if we were living in a country of great harmony. 

Now I am not saying that you have to be a Bible bashing scream Alleluia every second kind of person, running around explaining how people should "save themselves and turn to the Lord".  But I am questioning why we have to appear restrained.  As I stated in my FB post with photos of our gathering, I have a friend who told me that she liked so-and-so because "they are religious, but not overly so" - please pause whilst I snort in mirth.  Overly so?  So what is the barometer?  One mention of the word Jesus and 2 mentions of the Bible is okay, but if you lean towards three mentions of Jesus and 4 of the Bible and one the Lord has heard my prayers, jirre then you are dangerously in-the-face overly religious. 

Yes we don't all believe, yes we have different Faiths, yes we have different levels of Faith ..... but just because I am not a Sharks supporter does not mean I should criticise their supporters' level of enthusiasm and noise when they play here. Ramadan is very serious. When my Muslim friends are giving alms, fasting and praying during this time, I don't find them "overly".  I have served on a Board with a close Muslim friend who had to break the fast at sunset and had a little tupper of small food that she then ate during the meeting. That made her dedicated to her religion in my eyes. The same when we are in Lent.  

So if you wish to support your Faith and celebrate it with the same zest that you support other important things in your life, do so.  And if you wish to do it quietly to yourself.  Then do that.  But be careful of how you judge other's choices. 

Remember that now more than ever our country needs prayer - for SA, for the crappy political goings on, for rain.  So pray!! 

Whether whispered or bellowed.  Just do it. 

till soon 
c'est la vie xxx

social media. selfies and other not so smart smartphone stuff

So the smartphone ..... what a welcome addition to life.  It is there all the time, ringing, knocking, vibrating, blinking in silence, whistling, tapping, lighting up.  Alerting us that someone is calling us, called us, sms'd us, whatsapp'd us, tweeted us, tagged us on FB and then of course there is the plethera of sms'ing, whatsapping, tweets and FB that we ourselves do.  And then there are the websites, chatlines, chat sites, Tinder, meet a man, meet a chick, online shopping, online bookings etc etc.  Oh and not to forget that other thing - sexting and selfies and other such stuff which can come back and really be an issue .... because remember darlings ..... what you put out there is out there.  For good.  You can delete your message and photos or drop them into any place you wish .... they can be found should it ever be necessary.  Aaaah cyberspace .... what a blessing and a curse. 

I read an interesting article this weekend in the paper ... and then listened to a prank call this morning on 94.7 to such a chat site.  As the producer, Brad, said .... there is this misconception (mostly) (before everyone gets their backs up) that chat sites are there simply to meet people and chat about the weather.  The anonymity often leads to all kinds of games.  Once again darlings, when it is out there, it is out there. And I said often, not always. 

Am I judging no - not in the least - each one of us probably know of at least one person doing this - maybe even you - but I am asking for renewed consideration.  2 years ago someone I am acquainted with sent me a photo.  I could have taken it as them hitting on me, but because I was 100 % sure they were not, it would be laughable, I now sat with a delightfully uhm .... well ... picture - which confirmed a behavior in very clear terms, that was not intended for me. This is not unusual - when you are jumping between messages on Whatsapp you can accidentally get onto the wrong one ... I myself have done it .... not with a photo but with a message.  It can be problematic. 

I waited for an apology.  An explanation.  At least some embarrassment.  The person hopefully knows it is not my style to pass it on, show anyone, identify them to anyone and I have not even told that person.  And it is not my intention to.  In my heart I hope that they did not realise what they had done, because if I ever find out that they did, and simply just, out of arrogance, said nothing, it would be the end of contact we do have.  I sent them messages after that, and them me, till today, so I give them the benefit of the doubt that they did not see what they had done. C'est la vie. Everyone has reasons they do stuff - it is their stuff.  I don't do blackmail.  Some things we take to the grave, not necessarily because they deserve it, but because it is beneath me to do anything else.  I am simply stating it here because it serves a purpose in this blog. 

So people young and old .... it is social media .... and even your private messages never ever belong solely to you .... the cellphone giants can reach anything ... anytime .... should they need to.  Forget about your pin number, fingerprint, hand swiping, code pattern, urine sample locks on your IPads, Computers and phones. 

So be sensible.  Be discerning.  And for goodness sake double check the name before you push send. 

A little bit of Friday wisdom. 

Till soon 
c'est la vie xxx

The madness of a cricket test match. A madness of supporters. The fun. And of course, Faf

Test Cricket.  Yes it is about the score, the runs, the wides, the 4's, the 6's, the LBW's, the batsmen, the bowlers, the umpires, the outs and the ins, the reviews, the state of the pitch and the innings. 

But.  It is also about  the sun, the caps, the suntan lotion, the beers, the boerewors, the Sunfoil placards, the Standard Bank sponge finger and then ...... oh yes and then my darlings ...... 

it is about who sits around you.  

Day 1 of the NZ vs SA Test in Centurion, I part with my ticket as I have something urgent to attend to.  However my Day 2 ticket is all mine.  

We sit on the grandstand in really good seats and then starts the day long cricket.  And spectators. 

Behind us we have one young guy and two girls.  The entire grandstand added together simultaneously, did not speak as loudly or as dramatically as he did.  The arm movements alone could have conducted the Philharmonic. All day.  From 10 am to 4 pm.  They leave before the end.  I silently thank whoever was responsible for that.  We know ALL his business.  Who pisses him off, who he loves, his scant knowledge of cricket, his illnesses over his life ranging from a cold to his appendix and others that I quite frankly would have not wanted to know. The two girls did not get that much chance to speak. Little wonder they always offered to go and buy the beer. 

At noon arrived a family behind us.  Initially only 3 of them.  The guy behind me had a half drunk bottle of flavoured water.  In very thin plastic.  Which he proceeded to squeeze and release, squeeze and release.  Not drinking it.  Squeezing and releasing the bottle.  For 40 mins.  Like jumping on and crumbling plastic.  At the 40 minute mark I had to ask him if he was doing it for a reason.  Because he was 9 cm from my ear.  All he still had to do was click a pen on and off.  

He spent the next 30 mins on the phone.  Trying to tell his friends how to find him and their seats.  They were in the stadium.  All the grandstands are numbered alphabetically.  The rows and seats clearly marked.  Till today I do not know why he did not give that info instead of "no man my broer, look where the smoke is coming up from that guy in the blue shirt's braai, now look 18 m to the right is a girl with a green coolbox, now we are directly opposite that on the other side of the stadium".  Well at least that is what it sounded like to me. 

Then his friends arrived and it got really fun.  The one behind us knew everything.  About everything.  First he gave his very long view about the new planet that was discovered. Then he gave the rundown about why Faf, who was edging towards a century, could try bat better.  Now please understand.  Leave Faf.  No seriously, I will cut you.  
Next up there was a review called for on the field.  "I am telling you ous ... it is out, everyone can see it is out".  It was in.  So now we have "I was just about to say to you ous that it is actually in".  Go figure. 
Now looking at FB he notices a special for Levis at R1000.  "This is daylight robbery" wisdom spews forth "my cousin knows a ou who can sell you 3 pairs of Levis for under R1000".  The boys and I wonder if the label will say Levys.  Some blessing comes about and they decide that the two ladies should go home and make salad and them three ous will go buy meat and beers at Spar.  They leave to go home to braai. 

Down near the front are 5 young guys ... late 20's.  Their guns are impressive, oiled and on display (their upper arm muscles in case you are battling to keep up).  The only thing more impressive is Steyn's bowling speed.  And that look he gives the batsman.  It could wither a planet.  They have a systematic pattern for 6 hours..... buy beer, return, drink, buy beer, return, drink.  It is the return which causes the amusement.  Because it steadily declines between 11am and 5pm. One guy is the beer fetcher.  At 11am he does his returns by carrying all 5 beers and leaping down the steps to their seats, two at a time.  By 2pm he is taking the steps sedately, one at a time.  By 330pm he is going down one step at a time, but taking two of his own steps on each one.  By 430pm he has forgotten there are steps and by 5pm he does not even know why there were steps in the first place.  And where the hell is he? 

Next up to cross the row was a young woman.  She was wearing something.  Words fail me. It seemed to be a dress.  But it was a blouse.  Worn as a dress. Short.  Very short.  And on top it appears that she had lost a huge piece of the material.  Because not much of her very vast cleavage was covered.  As she passed the people in her row they were cut off from the sun for a long time.  They possibly even missed a wicket.  They did not seem to mind much. 

Our back row was then replaced at 4pm by 3 guys who had spent the entire day in the beer garden, probably hanging over the edge of the pool, shirtless, loud and obnoxious.  They were blood red.  They had had more than an adequate amount to drink.  Granted they were quite funny.  But they had about another 3 "just for the road" in the hour behind us.  Must have been a helluva long road.  Clearly they had played cricket.  90 years ago.  Naturally they would do it waaaaay differently to the very talented SA team.  They told us about their local pub in Boksburg that they were stopping at on the way home.  I prayed for all the other drivers and passengers on the road.  

And then of course there was mummy and her two grown up daughters who sat two rows in front of us.  She took a photo as the women (her girls) walked into the grandstand.  She then took at least a dozen pics of them watching cricket.  "Mummy is talking to you" was her mantra.  She then discovered that there were beers, donuts, boerie rolls and chips.  She had a lot.  Of each.  As the day progressed her hair became more wild.  Her photo taking became more frantic.  She then grabbed a Sunfoil poster and wrote on it *KEVIN we missing you at the cricket* and held it up.  She waved it almost as much as the guy lower down who had written THE EFF SAVED YOU on his.  It did prompt a man further back to shout "Ag sharrup en sit man .... almal weet die DA is die rede dat hulle iets het om te save".  Local is lekker. 

We left at 545pm.  It was an awesome day of cricket.  Brilliant weather.  Fantastic team. 

And spectators for the fun of it. They make it really part of the outing. 

Local is indeed lekker ne'. 

Till soon 
c'est la vie xxx

Dear Mr President

Dear Mr President ..... You had a palatial home built with more annextures than the average Medical Terminology Book.  You had every kind of unnecessary and lavish item there.  Most South Africans objected.  You chose to ignore them. 

Dear Mr President .... The Guptas came along and seemed to become the day to day managers of our country and politics.  They ruled like puppetmasters and did unusual little things .... like land a private plane at a military airport.  Most South Africans objected.  You chose to ignore them. 

Dear Mr President .... The Sudanese President, a war criminal, was allowed to leave SA despite a High Court order ...... You allowed it.  Most South Africans objected.  You chose to ignore them. 

Dear Mr President ..... Universities and Education Institutions across the country took to the streets in protest under the banner of #feesmustfall.  Did you go out into the community and address the situation?  No.  You were hardly ever seen 

Dear Mr President ..... At your Inauguration you said "I will devote myself to the well-being of the Republic and all its people" .... please remind me again how you have unfailingly attempted to live up to this statement

Dear Mr President .... On the same day you said "There should be no excuses for failure" but then spent a great deal of time making excuses for such - or blaming Apartheid

Dear Mr President .... you allowed many people in high places call the shots to you over the years - you defended them and allowed them to run many important institutions into the ground.  Most South Africans objected.  You ignored them. 

Dear Mr President - I excitedly voted for change and the end to the horrible Apartheid years that I had grown up in.  I saw great hope.  Why did you let me down?

Dear Mr President - on several occasions now I have watched on television how you conduct yourself during sessions of Parliament .... shrugging off questions, laughing at inappropriate moments and seemingly finding the promises you made at your inauguration to be completely inconsequential. Why did you let us down?

Dear Mr President - when Tshwane was going wild and our National Broadcaster was hiding it behind reports of missing dogs and other such dribble, where were you?

Dear Mr President - over the past years many many times on Twitter there were the comments - Your country is burning Mr President - do something.  Why did you ignore us?

Dear Mr President - The horror of Marikana etched itself in the memories of South Africans and the world. Did the Marikana Report find its way into the hands of the families affected? Why did you let them down?

Dear Mr President - a country got tired - of the promises - the lack of delivery on them - the spiralling of unemployment and service, the corruption, the excuses.

Dear Mr President - a country went to the polls last week

Dear Mr President - a country spoke up. And it said "no more". 

The handbag. The church bell. Those embarrassing moments.

The 10 am Mass is currently on.  I should be in it.  I was.  At least for a very short time. And then it went pear shaped. 

I opened the Repository from 9 to 10 am as usual.  It was going well.  Great filter coffee, lovely customers, new floors, everyone likes the new layout of Repository and all was sunshine and happy Sunday morning.  

Two customers stayed after 10 am and as we were chatting about items in the Repository and WYD, the time ticked on and I only ran across the road at 10:10 ... this sometimes happens when I still have customers. Also there was a problem with an overflowing Jojo tank pointed out to me by several parishioners, which required me to make a call after 10:00 to someone. It could not wait.  And the Repository is my Ministry. 

Not wanting to walk into the church so late, and with the cry chapel being full, I circled the church, entered from the other side by the Sacristy and stood quietly in the passage at the back of the church.  It was still going well.  I listened to the Homily and decided I would stay where I was.  Nic was altar serving alone and all was still well. 

Until then ..... 

Hearing the Sacristy door open behind me, I turned to see who was in there in the middle of the Mass.  Two things happened simultaneously.  I saw one of the young counting guys walk out and in the swing around I hit the church bell with my handbag.  It rings once to signal the beginning of Mass and the entrance of the Priest, Altar servers, Readers etc. 

It rang 4 times.  The young guy snorted and ran back into the Sacristy..... I was paralysed with embarrassment and while it was still ringing ... and with 409 parishioners who had swung around ... I turned and ran into the Sacristy behind him. 

I wished in that moment that I was a visiting Catholic that would not be at this parish again. Or a completely unknown parishioner.  Or invisible.  But no, I have to be the parish secretary. 

Now in the big scheme of things this is not a catastrophic issue.  The bell rang.  It was a mistake.  And yes, out of nerves and being so red faced I could not stop laughing ... nor could the youngster.  Luckily out of sight. 

I went outside to the grotto.  Sat with the statue of Mary.  Prayed and apologised profusely. 

Now I am in my office.  Waiting for Mass to end.  So that I can tell my son that those bells .... it was his mom. 

Apologies to anyone who may be grossly offended.  There are worse things that could have happened. 

c'est la vie .... such is my life. 

Till soon 
xxxxx

A million Catholics at WYD. But also millions who are not.

The media is full of World Youth Day in Poland.  A massive gathering of Young Catholics *and the not so young* to spend time together examining their Faith, interacting with other young people, visiting churches and other landmarks, attending Masses and of course the very wonderful opportunity to actually see the Pope, up close (or as close as you can get with a million people) and personal.

Much attention and photographs have been published on social media about this - flags, excitement and a mutual bond of Catholicism.  Many comments have been published about how this massive group of dedicated young people intend to carry this message forward and live it out when they return to their respective countries and parishes.  Will everyone do this - no.  However one hopes that the majority do.

What has concerned me somewhat is the amount of emphasis on only this group when talking about the time to come, and I have even read 4 different articles / opinions over the past week which seem to indicate that the young Catholics who are dedicated to their Faith and active in their parishes are somehow restricted to those who made this trip.  Many young people were fortunate that they, or their parents, or a sponsor, were able to fund the huge amount *especially for South Africans* to attend. Many others were chosen because of their involvement in the various youth activities and other in their parish ... and rightly so.

However perhaps thought must also be given to the other Youth who could not afford to go, or did not make the cut ..... numbers are limited ... parishes have budgets ..... and please understand that I get that.  It is a bit like prefects.  Many awesome people do not make it, it is a numbers game.

But to prevent a "us and them" when kids return worldwide, it is important that those that went take cognisance of those that didn't.  That they are still collectively a group, that together they need to carry the Faith and messages forward, collectively they are a generation.  Feedback is needed from those who attended, so that collectively they learn.

I am sure some will be offended by my thoughts on this. Please know this is not an attack on those that went, but simply comments about focus of media.  But this is my forum.  And as the blog is named .... c'est la vie


till soon
xxxx