cloudy waters washing over me

In Afrikaans there is a wonderful phrase "troebel waters" ..... cloudy, murky, turbulent ..... those are the waters I find myself in this week.  Unchartered waters - I feel like a lone person in a lifeboat being whacked from one side to the other by wave after wave after wave after wave of not entirely getting stuff right. 

I have always been a strong swimmer - a direct description of a person who can take the multitude of days that come your way .... great, mediocre or just downright crappy.  This week I have felt stuck in doggy paddling - two steps forward .... then 9 to the right and 109 backwards. 

Everyone seems to have a theory about why I am so uncertain, so confidence-less (yes I know that is not a word) - Sadly not one of them have it right.  Mainly because no-one has actually asked in depth.  And by asking you have to accept my answer.  And listen. And not judge. 

I have walked the road flat across to the Adoration Chapel where I have debated, questioned, demanded and laid bare my "troebel waters".  A colleague of mine very kindly sent a note on Monday afternoon to say that she was worried as I did not look ok.  I was touched, she sees me only for an hour or two a week.  No judgement.  Just are you ok. Sometimes people do not ask.  They decide what your attitude is and then react accordingly.  Often they have it so wrong.  Perhaps we need to ask first before we react. Be gentle.

Today at work I did a very tiny thing for someone ..... simply a part of my job.  But to them it was a huge thing at a very sad time in their lives.  She called me a rockstar.  It made me smile.  And then a short while later, in the afternoon, I doubted it.  Because when you have what a friend of mine once called in his blog "grit in your eyes", thrown in your eyes, you get blinded by it and lose all ability to see yourself. 

Instead you simply get lost in a cloud of doubt, tears, second guessing every task and a deep sense of being lost. 

This too shall pass. 

It has to. 

till soon 
c'est la vie 
xxx


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