I took the advice of a professional I consulted, and I used the time as I often do, to journal, but specifically letters this time, as she suggested. I have always journaled, and filled the books not only with writing thoughts and gratitude and memories, but also to work through challenges. I have dozens upon dozens of full journals, and I happily spend money on beautiful A5 journals with great paper and memorable covers. This and beautiful pens make me an easy person to buy a gift for!
I came home having handwritten 71 A5 pages in coloured pens. All in one journal. It was quite a process. But in the quiet, on the stoep, mostly alone, I wrote. Early mornings, sunset, late at night. Whenever I felt like it was time. These notes and letters were to be to specific people, to say specific things. Now I know the whole "splinter in your own eye" blah blah blah, but sometimes when we have things to say, and do not get to do so because we get stonewalled, we start doubting ourselves, we start believing not only the good labels, but also the not so good ones. Now let's be honest - we all deserve some of our labels, and we sometimes have to listen and say "wow, damn, I am actually losing my way a little", but other times we need to say "no, that is not ok to say that". So I diligently took her advice, and wrote. A bit like "Dear John", except these letters were not at all to do with romance.
I pretended that I was speaking to the people, without interruption, and I recalled good memories, bad memories, fun times, even more fun times and then the less great times. I got to say what was on my mind. A one-sided conversation yes, but one in which I could say everything and there were no people to say that I was wrong. Because in these cases I was not. Labels can be so destructive.
The 2nd part of the advice was to send these letters to the relevant people (yes I took pics and whatsapp'd them). This was the more difficult part. I got 4 different reactions. I sent 2 letters, I used 2 as a reference point in interactions. 1 of each of those verbally spoke with me then. It was a wonderful long phone opportunity to share things with them. Even mixed with a bit of arguing. Because I had spent so much time listening to my apparent long list of "challenging personality issues" compared to other's seemingly very short own lists, I never got to speak up. One person is meeting with me next week and to the last person it was obviously just reading matter.
She had told me that some would say they were sorry for hurt caused, some would be on the fence, some would rather be right than be sorry and some would rather just spend all their time looking for the splinter in MY eye. She is clever. I would hope so.
So has it been liberating? Yes,
So has it been successful? Mostly.
So has it made a difference? Quite a bit.
But I have spoken. I have not kneejerked, lashed out, looked for excuses, felt sorry for myself, been a victim. I have said it is not okay.
My kids will verify vociferously that I have taught them - when you make a mistake or when you hurt someone, say sorry.
Perhaps I should add more strongly - and when it is done to you, expect an apology.
However I think the former statement is worth more. Because it says something about your character.
So here I am.
I don't always get it right
I write to people when I am hurting (some people ignore, some people lash out, some people are icy - we ALL have our way)
I suffer from anxiety and depression when I feel threatened.
I overthink
I overreact (like everyone else - drama queens galore)
I sometimes speak without thinking
I am authentic
I apologise
I make right
I care
I love
I live
I laugh
If you don't do any of the above at all, are you sure you are alive?
So yes - I have done the writing of the wrongs and rights.
And I look only forward.
Till soon
c'est la vie
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment