Angry. And that is ok.

Between the 1st of January and now, there have been a dozen different blogs flitting through my mind and I have written the first paragraph of each one in my mind whilst driving, working and passing my days.  However after my accident (yes I am alive, yes it was not a major calamity, yes my car can be replaced, yes there are many in a worse position ... but I am still sore, still traumatised, still battling) and I find it challenging at the moment to focus in many aspects. I cannot and will not be bombarded with a dozen questions at a time about my life because I simply close myself off when I feel I am being pushed.  I will not be forced to deal with any other issues right now because I have enough on my plate and will ...... simply close myself off.  I have a friend who always tells me he focuses on one thing at a time and only that thing.  A lesson I am being forced to learn. In a world that expects me always to be focusing on twenty. 

I learnt a valuable lesson through this all though.  Trauma is real.  And it is different for each one of us.  Having said that I also need to comment that none of us have the right to decide when and how someone gets over something.  Be it death, illness, retrenchment, breakups, suicides, accidents, financial problems or the many many other things that cause us trauma. The timekeeper is simply us and us alone.

One of the hardest parts for me over the past 19 days is those who expected me to be fine after 19 hours.  Or after a week. Or at a time determined by them.  Like there is some sort of schedule - if your car is probably written off .... if you are hit at high speed and with a colossal impact - if your have soft tissues injuries ... if you have nightmares .... well then 6 days, 4 hours is the recommended time ... and then?  Please pull yourself together. Because it suits me?  No, because it suits you. 

I think the level of trauma is greatly determined also by what preceded it.  What did your last year look like emotionally?  For every one great thing that happened did you suffer one very serious blow?  Or for every ten great things did you suffer a blow?  But what about if for every one great thing you were hit by six serious blows?  Where then?

I have a great counsellor that is helping me talk through this ... one that has blessed me with her presence in my life for a few years now.  We met by sharing and exploring a common interest and since then I have turned to her or been marched off to her in her professional capacity many times.  She allows me to be me.  When I am angry she does not try and tell me why I shouldn't be. When I am sad she works around it to why.  She hears exactly why I am so angry and lets me be.  This does not mean that she lets me rant and go crazy in her office in an untamed way, but what she does is offer a magnificent level of gentleness, of listening of looking at things through my eyes.  She is one of two people who are making me see reason through this all.  The other one is also someone who has been part of my life for a few years and listens, but in a different way.  Sees things through my eyes but encourages me to rather concentrate on other aspects.  Watches my pain but does not allow me to sink away in it. Tells me to own how I feel but to do so by also always considering others.  There could not be two more completely different approaches, but somewhere in the middle I always find myself.  Blessed by both.

So I am angry.  Angry at the driver of the other vehicle.  Angry at being alone for so long afterwards.  Angry that I got hurt.  Angry because I know this back and neck are going to plague me a lot in the years to come. Angry at the probable loss of my car that I had for only 2 years and was well looked after by me.  Angry that I only got to give my son one driving lesson in it before it was trashed.  Angry that my head hit the window.  Angry about the pain I am in all the time ... all day every day at varying degrees.  Angry at those who clearly think I must "get over it now" ..... angry because it would help if I could just hear "I see you are sore", "how are you" from those I most expect to hear it from but who are more hellbent on making sure they don't ask (I wonder what pleasure that gives them) .   Angry that I have to pretend I am ok.  Angry that I have to hide how sore I am so that I do not inconvenience some others.  

I am joyful.  Because I am alive.  Because the car was insured.  Because my injuries will eventually mostly heal.  Because I could eventually find an old friend who raced to hold my hand even though it was an hour after the accident.  Because I have people who listen to me and are helping me work through the trauma of the impact.  Because I have people who understand how cautious I am about traffic in the opposite direction to me at intersections - how my heart beats when I see someone jump a robot.  How I jump if someone hoots next to me, because that is what preceded them slamming into me.  Because many call me or reach me via social media or seek me out in my office or the Repository to simply check on me.  Because parishioners have been so loving. Because on Friday afternoon two very unlikely people stopped me to offer suggestions on Arnica and other such helping things. Because I have learnt what an impact I have made on some people's lives. Because I have seen who turned a blind eye and that sometimes those we suspect only acknowledge us for "show" are really doing just that.   

So yes, this is an angry blog, and that's ok.  Because someone told me it is ok. 

till soon, with love to all who showered me with love. 

c'est la vie xxxx