The best of me. The worst of me. Love and laughter. Victor and victim.

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I love Christmas. For a lot of reasons. I can sit and stare at our Christmas tree forever.  My favourite is like now, as I go to bed (yes I know it is 3am but that is a story for another time), when I turn off all the house lights, leaving the tree lights until last.  In those moments, the lounge swathed in the glistening lights, I find myself completely mesmerised.  It seems as good a time as any to write my next blog.  In the dark, with just the lights of the tree. 

I have been thinking a lot about my year.  What made it unbearable, what made it awesome. What made me almost drown in laughter, what made me almost drown in tears.  The people who walked into my life and the people who walked out of my life. The joys and sadness's.  The shifting as our last schoolchild finished Matric (and got his licence) and our daughter moved home from Cape Town for a while. The completion of my almost 5th year in the parish office.  My hubby growing his business and his other involvement in a business which is keeping him very busy.  

I learnt a lot about myself this year. Some of it I learnt by myself. Some pieces were taught to me by others. Other pieces shoved at me. I have collected a lot of labels, some good, some less so.  I have made people laugh, I have made some crazy, I have challenged some, I have left some, I have been left by some, I have hurt some and been hurt by some, I have been called everything from fun, dedicated, compassionate, crazy, loving, loyal all the way down to being called someone who likes to play the victim.  I have learnt from them all.  Discarded some opinions, kept others. I have been discussed face to face, I have been discussed behind my back, I have sometimes been given the opportunity to give my version, other times not.  I have argued with some, disliked some and loved some.  I have been loyal to those who stick by me. I have been betrayed by people I love, I have been adored by people I love. 

I have been healthy, I have been ill, I have been physically injured .... all in this year. I have learnt to speak up, I have been taught how to be silent, I have protected people, I have kept people's secrets, I have been counselled, I have been betrayed, I have been spoilt, I have spoilt others. I have lay in the road next to a man and held his hand as he lay face down and bleeding after his motorbike accident, I have held the hand of a woman whose husband had less than a week to live, I have held the hand of a friend's new baby. 

I have learnt that life is not always fair, I have confirmed that Everything happens in God's time, I have had moments of great anxiety and moments of great joy, I have practised standing up to bullies, I have been bullied, I have faced narcissists and kind hearted people. I have never stopped learning, I have never stopped teaching my kids. I have watched them be joyful for others achievements, I have watched others not doing the same in return.  I have seen spite, I have seen kindness. 

I have reassured myself that not making New Year's Resolutions is a good thing.  I have made and discarded lists for 2018. 

I have realised that we need to practise kindness, warmth, love and compassion.  We need to practise and live out our Faith daily. It is no good that we are Sunday Catholics. We need to reach out, speak out and live in a manner that says "hey, I notice you".  We need to remember that if we cannot even attempt to be our better self every day, how on earth will we ever get to being our best self. 

I have looked through 2017, I look forward to 2018 ...... a journey to find my best self.  

c'est la vie
sleep tight
xxx