Once upon a book

When last did you visit a book exchange?  When I was in high school and studying afterwards, this was quite the rage.  We did not go to high priced bookstores that exist today, nor were there really any.  CNA was the stationer and not really a book store, having the selection it has now.  You bought new books through Leisure Books or found them at smaller stores. However libraries were what people did.  We took out a pile of books and returned or renewed them two weeks later.  Every suburb had a library.  With a vast range of books.  However as I grew older, renewing on time became a problem for me.  I think that every library that still exists has a photo of me on their system "do not give her books" - simply because I lost two and refused to pay the R375 per book they wanted for a book that was for sale elsewhere for R100.  The rest was for capturing the book on the system, tagging it and what not else.  I would have helped them with that for free.  And two books in 21 years was hardly a bad average.  Books were probably also not the premium they cost now.  I can remember book exchanges - they were always small. And crammed.  And they smelt of books.  Well read, often handled, books.  That semi-musty, semi-dusty smell.  They always seemed to have very small aisles and very helpful assistants and worked everywhere on the "bring books in and swop for other books and pay a small amount"  The more you brought and the less you took - you could almost walk out without parting with money.  

I read hundreds of books that way.  For a while in a previous job I had an Apple IPad and read a couple of books on here.  It is not for me.  Convenient but just not the same.  I like the real life look and feel and smell of books, both new and previously loved ones.  I love a new book of which you gently open the spine (my dad worked in a busy book store for many years as a teenager and learnt the art of "opening" new books) - I have spent the last 20 years opening every book in this house from novels to school books and varsity books this way.  

The upper end bookstores today sell mainstream novels of popular authors for R260 to R380.  It is crazy and perhaps better prices would encourage more people to read.  So you need to shop wisely .... Exclusive Books has an annual book sale - visit it more than once over the 2 week period.  They keep topping up and prices keep getting better.  I picked up 2 great new titles for R40 each.  Then there are branches of Bargain Books, unfortunately too few of them.  They have a good mix of new titles at good prices.  The Centurion store is by far the best. 

Then there are book "exchanges" who today work more on a sales method where a popular title will cost you about R60.  Or a book club which is more about wine than books but at least you get to pay for one book and read five or six.  

There is also OLX, Bid or Buy and other such sites.  Keep your eyes on these for good deals.  

Look around - there is much to be read.  Just sniff out the bargains. 

Till soon 
c'est la vie xxx

Simply Being

So life has been craziness itself.  Work has been its usual merry go round of busy busy and no two days the same.  Being a wife is always fun - especially when you are married to someone as witty as my husband .... being a mom is always interesting - particularly when you are mom to a 17 year old who plays tons of sport and is always busy ... and also has the wit of his father .... just much drier ... and then my not so baby girl ... ok at 21 not baby girl at all, who keeps us up to date every day with her cheflife in CT.  Life is busy. 

So now when our son went off to stay with my sister for almost 5 days when the school hols started, then returned for one day to check on my hubby and I and of course get laundry done and then went off to the coast with a schoolfriend and his family for Easter, time was suddenly available.  In abundance.  Laundry was minimal, dishes were minimal, driving was minimal.  It co-incided with the plethera of Easter public holidays, so besides going off to church every day of that weekend, we had nothing to do the rest of the time.  My body said WTH? 

So armed with ShowMax, Netflix and a very thick paperback, I became one with the couch. A lot.  It usually started with me reading and then quickly morphed into dozing.  I cannot remember when last I slept as much as I have over the past 6 days.  Mid-morning and mid-afternoon ... early evening ... you name it ...... 3 or 4 hours at a time.  Without watching the clock constantly.  On day 5 I started getting concerned about this laziness and when I told a friend that I appeared to be sleeping my life away, he simply commented "Good" each time. 

Hubby and I went to the movies, we did our favourite thing (browsing for ever in Exclusive Books), had coffee and decided to make salad for dinner - simple and quick.  

I took 2 days leave from work and find myself now sitting in a coffee shop blogging. My job means that I am called on my cellphone - all day every day.  So posting a voicemail that I am not available was quite a moment for me. 

Sometimes we need to do this - switch off.  Our minds.  Our TV.  Our worries.  Our tiredness. 

Sometimes we simply need to be. 

till soon 
c'est la vie xxx 

the fantastic fabulousness of being fifty

Some people arrive at the number five zero and go into some sort of panic spiral about being more than halfway through their lives, having to only look back now and no more forward. They panic about every little line, every kg, every everything.  Some tell me they are now on the back 9 of their lives ....... jeez, where was I when all this paranoia set in? 

January 27th heralded my 50th birthday ...... I don't like it ...... I love it!!!! 

Fifty years old and: 

• I really could not care if people like my haircut, haircolour, style of dressing, bling jewellery and love of all things bright
• I will be as boisterous as ever, if not more so, because I see no sense in going through life muttering and apologising
• I will not make excuses for who I am and what I do and do not like
• I will continue to drink as much cappuccino as I can, watch as much ShowMax as possible, follow Borgias to the very last episode, watch Isidingo as I have for the last decade, eat chocolate and mangos. 
• I will get too little sleep, laugh too loudly, love too much and probably get hurt in the process.  Yet I will not stop. 
• I will believe in myself, dream much and live life with as much glitter as possible
• I will not tolerate anyone who does not trust me or stand up for me when needed.  If you do not know me by now .... well then you never will 
• I will blog, note, write and follow that path.  If you are lucky enough to receive a letter from me .... treasure it .... because if you shrug it off in silence it will never be your blessing to receive another one
• I will love my kids and hubby until the end of the world.  I will hold dear and close to me the friends and family who would fight for me till the end of the world.  Because I will for them. 
• I will wear lots of lipgloss, a big smile, a crazy laugh and a handbag with more stuff than most people use in a lifetime. 

I will be bright.  And colourful.  I will be 50.  I will be me. 

till soon 

c'est la vie xxx

trust .... anger ...... and yes that damn pausing

This thing of Pausing can be a bloody irritating habit sometimes.  But halfway through Lent and I am still at it.  It was suggested to me by a friend that sometimes I pause too long, but as long as I am working at it and since I have made great strides, I am very proud of myself.

This pause theory often makes for a situation where my poor hubby .... he of great wisdom and much patience ... has to listen to me verbalising the thing that I am pausing about.  He is awesome at listening or at times when needed being either the voice of reason or an ardent supporter of my issue.

Tonight the poor man simply asked .... "hey what's up" as he saw me frown as I wrote an email.    BOOM .... out came the pause issue ..... in a sixty sentence eruption from me .... tumbling out as he watched my frustration.  Tonight he chose to listen to me ... and offered only two words of wisdom.

I drove to Adoration and entered the chapel greeting the Lord with great love for our coffee hour together in the late night hours.  And then I sat and told him the story.  

And I know that my heart can be still.  My head can be still.  In HIM I place my trust.  As he does in me.  He knows me.  And he is proud of me.

I have paused.  The anger that has raged inside me is still there . .but it is calming.  HE knows me.

Till soon
c'est la vie xxx

my fountain. the water. God. prayer. i close my eyes.

I am amazed at what joy the fountain outside my office door is giving me.

A round pond with three layers perched atop of it and a gurgling spout of water coming out the top. That fountain has become a complete part of my day.  At first when it arrived I heard nothing else but that water falling from level to level.  Now it has become like a "white noise" - I hear it all the time and it is like breathing.  But when it stops for a second that is when I notice it immediately.  But I always get it going straight away again.

I can stare at it unendingly and every time I find myself having to pause, or tired or irritated beyond hell or sad or whatever ...... then I just stare at it. Even when I am having a joyous day.  That fountain is my happy space.  I have been known to splash water from level to level and love teasing the dog with the spray from the borehole hosepipe when we fill it.

Suddenly that fountain has started to remind me of my relationship with God.  I gave this a lot of thought during my Adoration hour on Monday evening when it suddenly struck me.  God is like that. A constant.  Like that water he is always there, you know that, and you become accustomed to it, so that if ever you have a moments' doubt that God is not there, or has forgotten you ..... you are instantly aware of it.  But just like that water, if you look, he is there - perhaps you just needed to look a bit closer.  Or kick start your relationship.  A bit like when the mains board trips, switching off the fountain pump ,... you just need to click the switch.  

I keep my connection with the fountain by ensuring that the water is topped up all the time.  In just that same way I have to keep my connection with God by ensuring that I visit his home every weekend or in the week and that I "keep our water supply going" with prayer.  Regularly.  When I need to pause, or am tired or irritated beyond hell or sad or whatever ..... Even when I am having a joyous day.  This relationship and prayer is my happy space.

So when I look up at the fountain as I often do ..... I can almost hear God whispering in my ear ..... "I made that water".

How blessed am I.

Till soon
c'est la vie xxx

Learn to Pause. Else nothing worthwhile will catch up to you. A silent retreat.

Sediba Retreat Centre.  Silence.  A retreat in silence.  A time when you, by choice, spend the better part of a Sunday listening.  Hearing.  Feeling.  Discovering.  Praying.  With silence in your head.  And heart.  I write this during our lunch pause. 

The less than 45 minute drive from Pretoria to the Dam is easy to make.  Once up the hill in Meerhof, on a winding road surrounded by bush, you find the Centre, overlooking the beautiful dam.  During the initial 20 minute meet up and coffee session you get to say hello, make new friends, eat the scones (with a story attached) and get a feel of what lies ahead. 

The morning has 4 silent sessions of 25 minutes each.  The meditation room reminded me of those seen in a movie ... slightly elevated off the ground - wooden floor, natural lighting only, plenty of big slatted doors fully opened to allow in the sound of nature, candles, the beautiful view and the heat.  There are cushions, blankets and little neat yoga type mattresses available in abundance. You find your space somewhere around the room against the wall and settle yourself down with whatever you need.

Three gentle gongs are sounded - the first to settle yourself, the second to feel fully present and the third to start the 25 session.  After each session the gong sounds again and you walk around the room very very slowly in a circle (I battled with the slowly part) to stretch your legs and refocus your mind. You can also dash out if you have an overactive bladder.  

You can take books in, water, rosaries, verses, anything that will make your time meaningful.  Or you can just sit - without any external stimulation.

The sessions are interesting, especially to notice what happens to both your mind and your body when you have no outside distractions.  No phones, TV, novels, family, traffic.  Just you.  As a "first-timer" who is known to be lively and talkative, I was apprehensive about how I would manage, I was also apprehensive about what I would find inside myself in those quiet periods. 

The first session was the hardest.  I found myself staring at the water 90 % of the time and staring at the other people the other 10 %. The nun opposite me sat as if cast in stone for every single session.  I admire the ability to do that.  My mind raced.  All over.  Simply because in my daily life as a wife, mother, secretary it has to.  I have a teenage son at home, the school run, sport, a very busy job and boss to keep up with, my friends and family, the Repository and of course the coffee shops.  I found my thoughts consumed by my job and the people related to it.  Many questions were flying. 

For the second session I chose to lie down.  With my head on the cushion and the great quiet I started slowing my mind and had dozed off by the end.  Thank heavens for the gong. 

The third session I used for reading.  I had written a prayer for someone who I think needs it for a variety of reasons and I used the session to read and reread that prayer for them.  I hope they felt that prayer and that it meant something in their busy life.   I also concentrated on my breathing. 

The fourth session I took to alternating staring at the water and reading.  For me to dedicate my attention to one thing at a time as opposed to reading and my phone, reading and watching TV ... that was a challenge.  I admit to feeling fidgety. 

After that we strolled down the hill to another Retreat Centre and joined them for Sunday Mass.  The Priest was very different to our own and it took adjusting, however he delivered a brilliant Homily about pausing long enough to listen.  In silence.  It rained.  Beautiful moment.   Lunch is then taken in silence .... scattered all over and I write this as I eat. 

Three more sessions follow ...... I know that it will get a little easier now.  But to still and focus my thoughts will take practice according to the lovely and kind people from our parish that I went with. They gave me tips on focusing my mind and on how to deal with the racing around of thoughts that the stillness brought. 

Will I go again?  Most certainly.  Sometimes God leads us to something just when we need it most. Since I battle to pause in my everyday life, He probably decided that I needed a more than gentle nudge to find that Pause.  In silence.  I am still dealing with two issues around my car accident and in addition I am struggling to find my place in two friendships where I so desperately want to be cherished and needed. And more so to know it.  

I hope that some of my parishioner friends will consider joining me next time.  All it costs is the lunch you take along.  And one day a month. 

Be loved
Till soon
c'est la vie  xxx

Title quote Learn to Pause.  Else nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.  Courtesy of Doug King. 

Adult bullies. Narcissists. Call them what you like.

I wrote a blog on Sunday evening and then this one last night - I am placing them in reverse order .....

Adult bullies.  Yip you get them. 

It's usually defined as behaviour that is repeated and intended to hurt someone either physically or emotionally.  It is the latter one I refer to.

I returned and looked for and re-read in a friend's book recently a chapter about Personality Disorders and especially Narcissism.  It was an interesting read because I looked at it with different eyes this time around. 

I am always sensitive to bullying, because it took me such a very long time to recognize and acknowledge them for what they are.  

And particularly during this Lenten period I am having greater challenges than normal to understand why someone will willingly and knowingly choose to make others feel "lesser", thereby making themselves feel powerful.  Why you will be happy to never tell others (not everyone, just hand picked ones) that they are important.  Our Priest teaches us about #bestself.  I sometimes wonder if these people look in the mirror each morning and pat themselves on the back. 

Such people very often are seen by a great great many people as being even-tempered, loving, warm, kind and generous all the time.  But the unlucky select few who always seem to feel the wrath, be it silence or sarcasm or whatever, for every little thing they say or do that may be annoying to the other person, they tell a different story. 

Let me give you a very basic and stupid example - You tell someone that you really love when someone asks you how your weekend was.  That person then makes a conscious and concerted effort to make sure they NEVER ask you.  Best self?  I think not. Grown up?  I think not.  A good example?  I think not.  It is very much like "kleinmannetjiesindroom" - petty and self-centred.  Perhaps we need to pray harder for them.

Or just a good old-fashioned bully. 

How to rid yourself of the hold they have on you?  Trust me when I learn, you will be the first people I tell. 

Till soon, stand strong
much love
c'est la vie 
xxx